


Heaven

by professorriversong



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-02
Updated: 2013-06-02
Packaged: 2017-12-13 17:16:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/826797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/professorriversong/pseuds/professorriversong
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A one-shot based on the news of Matt Smith's impending departure. The Doctor regenerates, but there's somewhere he needs to go before he says goodbye.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heaven

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to the wonderful 4 years of Matt Smith's Doctor.  
> A few Name of the Doctor lines included.

The Doctor stumbled into the Tardis, barely able to stand. He could already feel it starting, the bright yellow energy encircling his hands and warming his skin. Clara ran up to him, her expression a mixture of confusion and terror; she didn’t understand what was going on.

‘Doctor, what is it? What’s happening?’

‘I…I’m regenerating,’ he stuttered, hardly able to believe it himself. He had lived three hundred years in this body; it was difficult to think of letting it go.

 

Every time a Time Lord regenerated, it was like part of their soul died. They could never be the same person they were, and even though they remembered every second of who they had been before it was like a different version of themselves appeared. The process itself could be painful, every cell in the body dying slowly and reforming, reshaping; it was hell. But the worst part was looking in the mirror and seeing someone else, feeling things differently and having your mind scramble into a whole new personality.

 

You never knew what you would get. You could be cruel, kind, gentle, monstrous…there was no way of knowing. And those you once loved and lost before you changed became more distant, old pictures in the back of a book kept on the highest shelf and rarely visited. Amy wouldn’t recognise him once he changed, not that he could ever see her anyway; it was the principle. He was dying, the Doctor realised, even though he was going to live.

 

‘What’s that what’s regenerating?’

Clara still had no idea of what was going on. The Doctor could feel his body trying to change already, but he resisted it. There were things he had to say yet, things he still had to explain.

‘When a Time Lord is dying, they can…change in order to stay alive. They take on a new form, a new body, but it’s still the same person inside,’ he lied. It wasn’t even close to that straightforward, but he didn’t have time to explain every detail. She was scared, he needed to comfort her as best he could.

‘So, you’re going to change? Become someone else?’ asked Clara.

‘Yes, in a manner of speaking,’ the Doctor answered through clenched teeth.

‘But…I don’t want you to go.’

 

The Doctor used all of his strength to straighten up and walk to her, holding her hands in his own.

‘I’m not going anywhere,’ he whispered, ‘I promise. It’s still me, your clever boy, only…it’s a different face on the outside, that’s all. I don’t want this anymore than you do Clara, but I’m afraid I don’t have much of a choice.’

‘We…we can get you to a hospital, stop you from dying…’ a tear rolled down Clara’s cheek. The Doctor smiled.

‘If I start regenerating then it’s already too late. In a way I’m already dead, but it’s not over for you. We’ll still have adventures, I promise, and they’ll be better than ever.’

‘It won’t be the same.’

‘No,’ he admitted, ‘but that doesn’t mean it won’t be as good.’

 

There was a moment of silence, a pause of acceptance before Clara spoke again.

‘What do you need?’

‘I need you to trust me,’ the Doctor grinned.

‘Don’t I always?’

His smile faded slightly.

‘And I need to say goodbye to someone.’

 

The Doctor went over to the Tardis console and programmed the destination he though that he would never be able to go back to. Normally, given the paradoxes which could occur, she wouldn’t have taken him there but this time she did so without hesitation. The Tardis knew what was going on, better than anyone, and she obliged his last request.

 

‘Where are we going Doctor?’ Clara asked gently.

‘To see my wife,’ he replied.

‘Your…dead wife…’ she reminded him, raising a confused eyebrow.

‘Dead yes, gone…not entirely.’

 

The Doctor opened the doors of the Tardis and walked out into the library. Clara stood behind him.

‘Wait here.’

Clara nodded, hanging in the doorway as he walked out into a dark, dusty room. There were wires everywhere and computers, though most appeared to be broken. The place looked abandoned, as if it hadn’t been inhabited for hundreds of years; well, it hadn’t been.

 

The shadows crept towards the Doctor as he moved through the room, but upon noticing the golden gleam of his skin they backed away. The Vashta Nerada had consumed all knowledge of Time Lord’s, enough to know that when one is regenerating it is best to stay as far back as possible.

‘Thank you,’ the Doctor muttered.

 

He stopped in front of the main control panel, where River had wired herself into the controls to save those 4022 people.

_Why am I handcuffed, why do you even have handcuffs?_

_Spoilers…_

The memories of that day were more vivid than most. He had been a different man then, a brilliant man but ignorant to what he didn’t understand. He had been rude to her, not listening to what she had to say because to him there was no possibility that she could be who she claimed to be. That was then.

 

_It’s not over for you, you’ll see me again. You and me, time and space…you watch us run_

****

Oh, they had run. All across time and space, saving nations and killing the monsters; the perfect marriage. But sometimes you didn’t realise what you had until it was gone. When the Doctor had seen River again, one last time, at Trenzalore he had realised what he was losing, what he had lost – her. And now he would never see her again, and she would never see him.

_River you knew my name, you whispered my name in my ear. There’s only one reason I would ever tell anyone my name, there’s only one time I could_

_Hush now, spoilers…_

The Doctor felt a tear hot and wet on his cheek. The energy was coursing through his veins now, pulsating with every beat of his hearts. It was hard not to simply let go and let it swallow him, empty him out just to fill him with another person; but for some reason he didn’t. He was standing before the library computer, as he had done three hundred years before, and he was standing there for a reason. Not just to say goodbye…

 

‘I…I can do it,’ he realised, a smile creeping across his face, ‘I-‘ his face contorted with pain as he doubled over, his body glowing even brighter. Clara ran over to him, though kept her distance.

‘Are you okay Doctor?’

‘It’s starting,’ he groaned, ‘but…Clara there’s something I need you to do.’

‘Anything.’

‘This version of me is dying, I can’t escape that, but I might be able to preserve…well something, some part of this me in the library database, if I am very very clever.’

‘Is…is that where your wife is? Is she-‘

‘Yes,’ the Doctor smiled, ‘I saved River to the data core, and now if I’m lucky I’ll get to see her again.’ The thought of it made his hearts feel warm inside his chest, and despite the pain he couldn’t wipe the smile off his face.

 

‘What am I doing?’

‘Grab that loose wire over there,’ he said pointing. Clara grabbed it and brought it to him; it was still attached to the barely functioning computer. ‘Good, now do you think you can get that computer working?’

‘That I can.’

The Doctor wound the wire around his wrist, holding the end in the palm of his hand. This way, at least part of him was linked to the computer and it gave him the best chance of a clean upload.

‘I’m coming River,’ he whispered. Clara worked her magic on the computer, opening the data links and readying it for upload.

 

The energy surged within him and he cried out again, barely able to keep it at bay long enough to say what he needed to.

‘Clara, I’m going now,’ he managed to say. ‘You’ve been….well, more than amazing. Thank you, so much.’

‘I’ll miss you,’ she answered, tears in her eyes.

‘Me too,’ the Doctor agreed. ‘But when it’s done, I’ll still be the same person. I will remember everything you’ve done for me, everything we’ve done together…just give me a break; I might take a bit of getting used to. Goodbye…Clara Oswald.’

 

He let go. The regeneration energy engulfed him, burning away the man he used to be; but that echo of a man now had somewhere to go. The Doctor gripped the wire and put his other hand on the control panel, pouring his own essence into the computer. He concentrated as hard as he could on letting go, not knowing what would happen or if it would even work. Darkness enveloped him. One way or the other…he was gone.

 

Xxx

 

The Doctor opened his eyes. He was wary at first as he wasn’t in the library anymore, but appeared to be lying in a grassy field in front of a small cottage. Pulling himself up into standing position, the Doctor looked at himself. Still floppy haired, same bow tie and jacket, still not ginger…he was him, that was for certain.

_If you ever loved me, say it like you’re going to come back_

 

He saw her, and his heart leapt. Tears filled his eyes and he ran as he had never run before. It took a moment for River to notice him. Dressed all in white she was a picture, hair as wild as ever it had been and blowing in the soft summer breeze. She started running, hoping that this was more than just a dream and when they reached each other their lips met as if for the first time in forever. The Doctor cupped her face in his hands, never wanting to let her go again. That last kiss they had shared had been over far too quickly, lost in a moment, but this kiss could have lasted a lifetime.

 

_Well then, see you around Professor River Song_

He had kept his promise. He had come back to her, and River didn’t question how or why. All she knew was that he was here, and that they were together. They cried, holding each other without the need to say a word and never letting go. Days, weeks, months, years could have passed and it would mean nothing. This was their eternity, their heaven, and they could spend it together.

 

And they did.


End file.
